There are those of us who seem to have alot of luck when it comes to the opposite sex. Or the same sex, depending on your orientation.
Then there are those of us who seem to have not much luck in “love”, really.
My theory is that the Universe, God, Higher Power, whatever, is taking the piss out of me, an unlucky one.
I’m pretty darn lucky with everything else, so I really shouldn’t complain.
I have all that I need.
The trouble is, when you have everything, you sometimes expect a bit more.
I feel ready to actually experience a romantic relationship.
Why not? All the cool kids are doing it. Heck, even Grandparents do it. Can’t be that tricky to find a soulmate. Surely.
Let me say, as one of those people who hears, “Hi Girl, howareyoudoyouhavea boyfriendyet?” At every party, it is harder than it seems.
Everyone wants to set you up with.. “..Matt, have you met him before? He’s so great.”
I’m sure he is. However if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that a fella who is even slightly interested in seeing you physically and emotionally naked will talk to you himself. He doesn’t need his Aunty Maude telling him how much of a good girl you are.
Anyway back to the Gods whispering and giggling behind their hands.
I’ve politely, for a few years now, said “Yes, I am ready. Send him my way.”
At the same time, I’ve said, “But OK if he’s not ready, I’d like to have some sex.”
It had been a few years, if you know what I mean.
Some good, safe, respectful casual rolls in the hay. Not too tricky, you might think.
WRONG. You’re so, so wrong.
Before the pill. Going clubbing/pubbing on the weekend. Yes! Anything goes. I’ll take a condom. I’ll make sure the lady garden is tamed. I have enough money for a taxi from anywhere.
Day of girls night: Period. Aunty Flow. Ladies things. WHAT THE FUCK I’M A WHOLE WEEK EARLY.
Or, TWO WEEKS LATE.
Four times this happened.
Every time I conciously decided I could have a one night stand my fucking womb expelled it’s lining.
So a girl thinks, “Ok, don’t pick up a filthy guy from a bar”. Not meant to happen in this way.
Online. Have had a few dates with various men, none made me want to take off my clothes or listen to them again. Well, there was one but that’s a different story.
Start chatting to a very persistent fellow.
Now, before we go on, girls with any self respect will NOT go straight to a man’s house without meeting him in a public area first. Just in case there are bad vibes/ he looks the opposite of his picture.
Or at least, I don’t do that.
I tell all the guys I talk to about this rule. It’s about respect.
So chatting to Mr Persistent. He seems a bit dumb, but all the pics are downright hunky, so I’ll overlook it. This is probably just casual, after all.
Long story short he asks to “go meet for coffee sometime”
No plans are made. So, a couple of days later I let him know some days that I’m free, if he still wanted to meet.
He calls me on a Friday after work.
“I’ve got indoor cricket, but come over after. Around 10pm.”
“Haha you’re hilarious. We haven’t met yet.”
“Na, it’s ok, just come over.”
“We haven’t met in a public venue yet, so no, not ok.”
“Yeah it’s fine.”
“No. … …. anyway take care.”
(This is a condensed version of the actual conversation, I stressed that if met in public first, you never know where the day might take us.)
Mr Persistent simply could not understand why I was so adamant on a public meeting. I got random calls from him for weeks. He still texts every now and then. Persistently dumb.
A friend of a friend of mine started messaging me, I’m assuming when intoxicated.
It started nicely. I didn’t mind if he was a bit drunk, I was just happy he was messaging me.
I was pretty sure he’d had a little crush on me for a while but no way am I making the first move. Or even the second.
After a couple of weeks of flirting, I realised this was probably just going to be casual for him. That’s ok. I really didn’t mind. We hardly talk at parties anyway and because my bestie is his friend, I felt safe he wouldn’t be a complete immature douchebag when we stopped our “thing”. It would be safe all round.
He asked me over his place.
He said – via text- that if he was in the shower when I got there I could join him.
Ok! Yesssss this is finally happening! Safe, respectful, casual sexual intercourse was about to be mine!!!
I moisturised. I put on a teeny bit of makeup and ran out that door.
When I got there he and he was watching the cricket.
We chatted for about 15 minutes. I was waiting for “the move”.
It didn’t look promising. So I decided to pull the only move I could think of. I asked him if he had just invited me to watch the cricket.
This was his time. I was there.
This next moment was when I realised the Universe was laughing. Fucking slapping it’s knees and holding it’s belly.
He said it was a bad idea. He said because I’m so close to all his close friends.
Ok, but I’m nice, I said. Im not the sort of character to go bitching when you don’t call me back IF I know what “this” is. Which I did.
Then he said he was still getting over a girl who rejected him.
So I friend-zoned myself. Asked him to tell me about her.
Twenty minutes later, I went home.
That night I realised that this had constantly happened.
That night I realised that I must have to wait (again) for a man who actually likes me. And who I actually like back.
Then I went to buy more batteries for my vibrator.